


repent, repent.

by KicktheMatt



Category: Dragalia Lost (Video Game)
Genre: Character Study, god i need to stop throwing so much pain and trauma at my favs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 06:33:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17678285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KicktheMatt/pseuds/KicktheMatt
Summary: character study of hildegarde! why do i hurt every character i love.warning: very sad.based off of some studies did on women who suffered from ptsd after leaving the catholic church-- nothing happened to them, but they were demanded of so much by their church that it was akin to domestic abuse.





	repent, repent.

_Repent, repent._

She had always been told to _repent_ until she could do so no longer.

Being dropped off at the church’s doors as a child, being told to _repent_. She did nothing, or at least, that’s what she hopes.

Hildegarde’s parents, with their backs to the church, and a new pair of hands on her shoulders telling her to _repent_. She had the memory seared into her skull forever. No matter how many Hail Ilia’s she counted or the amount of times she’d pray to mana, the memory would not leave. She was told off for having the emotions she did from it. _Repent. Pray._

After Hildegarde decided to leave the church, if only for a short while, she began to have words of prayer searing in her mind at all hours of the day. She would follow her routine of prayer, of leading those in the Halidom through a service she put on once a week, but coming up to those moments she felt the most crippling anxiety. Why was she nervous to do what she’d been doing for years? If she messed up, if she misspoke, if anything went wrong, all she had to do was--

_Repent._

The word struck fear into Hildegarde’s heart, her head, her soul. She didn’t understand. Why was she so afraid? Ilia was there to protect her, she has to give her thanks, she has to pray, she has to…

 _Repent._

Why does she feel nauseous? Why does she feel disgusting? Why does she feel so scared of the things that helped her?

_Repent. Give thanks to mana. She hasn't given enough thanks._

She can’t breathe after she’s finished giving a sermon. She can’t touch a religious text without feeling like it’s made of razor blades. She vomits if she sees a church. Her head pounds late at night when she’s alone, recalling the past years she had spent kneeling at the altar, hands clasped tight around the rosary, praying. _By Ilia, what’s wrong with me?_

_Repent._

_Repent._

_Hildegarde, repent._


End file.
